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The Sad Circus by the Sea - Gentlemen, for Your Consideration
- - SAG Actor (Voice of GIR from Invader ZIM), creator of comics, writer of books, feeder of cats, Augmented Realist. - - Bio - - Twitter - - FaceBook - - Comics --
December 2010
 
 
 
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Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 12:22 am
Gentlemen, for Your Consideration



Do not dunk your balls in Tiger Balm.

In fact, if at all possible, keep the stuff as far from your balls as possible. Now, I’m not saying this has happened to me but let’s just say I have a kind of inside knowledge, like a guru of white hot burning, and I am your man who has floated the aether of the nerves of space and unspace, an astral projector under the searing scrotum of God.

Let us say that your leg hurts and in seeking relief you turn to the heated shower found either within your domicile, or, for my Dutch hippie readers, in the abandoned office you are squatting in. You seek comfort in the balmy, artificial raindrops, an ease of all that ails you. But this is for naught. The pain persists and lo! Though the act of steaming the stuff of your epidermal tissue has opened all your pores you think not of the consequences and reach for your happy friend: Tiger Balm. But it is not your friend, is it? Oh, no. I shall describe the sensation:

It begins suddenly. Though you rubbed the enemy ointment into the tissue of your leg, you completely forgot that the leg is not a limb in a vacuum. It is attached to your … other parts.

It is as if your two best friends in the world, who also happen to be symbiotic twins, suddenly turn into sizzling ultraviolet sunbags. The pain moves at the speed of hurting straight to your neuromatrix, and immediately your cerebellum attempts to find an exit. But it is no use. The only destination is the House of Delirium at the corner of Oh, My God I’m Going to Die . You find yourself at the bottom of an abyss and you floated down there lungs soaked with the sea but without drowning just like that perfluorocarbon breathing guy in the movie, The Abyss. And you suffer so many more endings than even Cameron can conjure. As you lie there on your back on the bottom of the black ravine the universe reveals its secrets to you. They’re really stupid secrets too. Not so much as profound as they are more like finding a year's subscription to Yachting and Boating magazine under your dad’s bed: Colonel Sanders squeezes Mister Whipple while Carl Sagan rewrites the alien at the end of Contact into an Urotsukidoji sex machine. Charles Dickens helps you to your feet and tells you that he wrote Pip for you and the pain begins to settle into a long, throbbing ice cream headache, only much lower than your head. Dickens then bitch slaps you and chucks you over his head like so much card wood. You rise with the agony like bubbles of air and this doesn’t seem so bad until you realize the bubbles spew forth from an ass the size of Mount St. Helens. Eruption is imminent and somehow … intimate. A sound like a Krakatoa arm pit imitator reverberates across the void and your upward momentum hastens in only an irritating fashion, like that awful slow motion Nazgûl horse chase in the Fellowship movie. You shake your head in anger, but this is enough, this is enough to propel you to the surface, stripped of life from your aborted saturation dive, you suddenly remember every monkey joke from Gideon Defoe’s The Pirates! In an Adventure With the Scientists and you weep. Oh, you weep.

Do not dunk your balls in Tiger Balm.

I’m just saying. In case you were thinking about it.

-Rikki

Current Music: Within The Realm Of A Dying Sun by Dead Can Dance

51CommentReplyShare

nekroskoma
nekroskoma
Satori Akagi
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 08:47 am (UTC)

while i did clutch my groin in phantom pain that was a fu**ing awesome read


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jackthecake
jackthecake
Jack Cake
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 08:53 am (UTC)

So long as i am not forced to remember all the Ham.


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finalglory
finalglory
finalglory
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 08:53 am (UTC)

..........*speechless*


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aqua_commie_bat
aqua_commie_bat
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 09:23 am (UTC)

Wow. Very poetic. You, sir, are the Dante Alghieri of scrotal immolation.

Thank God you're definately NOT speaking from experience. I had my vat of balm all set and ready.

Thou hath saved me from Testicular Inferno. I thanketh thee.


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el3mo
el3mo
Elmo Q. Martin
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 09:38 am (UTC)

Stings a bit, does it?


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lady_laguna
lady_laguna
Jenn
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 10:00 am (UTC)

For a moment, I felt as if I had balls myself. And when that moment was over, I thanked the Good Lord that I did not have them.


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finalglory
finalglory
finalglory
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 10:19 am (UTC)

hey for women it could be worse. At least on a man it can't make its way INSIDE


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gabycat
Gabycat
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC)

*can't keep a straight face* man, I am sure the agony is beautifully described here, and the painting illustrated the feeling in perfect allegory.
Well, lesson learned, nothing stronger than aloe vera around the nether regions. ^_^
I have to say I do know a little of the feeling, when I began learning to ride my bike, there was a very annoying pain in the thighs area, but I used "Sooth-a-caine" thankfully, the first shocking sensation was quickly numbed by the lidocaine, so everything was quiet and nice after an initial shock wave.

I have a silly image of you, walking like a hard ridden cowboy now.


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amarafox
amarafox
Amy
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 03:41 pm (UTC)

I really need a 'And now you know' icon XD

I hope.. uh.. you feel better!


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janscottfrazier
janscottfrazier
Jan Scott-Frazier
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 04:07 pm (UTC)

When I was much younrger and more ignorant, I found myself in Army Basic Training with my inner thighs chafed to a bright pink. Not really knowing what Ben Gay was and thinking it was something similar to Vaseline, I spread a thick layer all over the chafed area. The results were similiar to your description. At least I can laugh about it now...


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davemerrill
davemerrill
Dave Merrill
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 04:16 pm (UTC)

You know, there's probably somebody out there for whom this post is extremely arousing.


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lady_laguna
lady_laguna
Jenn
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 06:45 pm (UTC)

I am disturbed now... by the thought that there is likely a post on a forum somewhere linking to this entry and followed by an extended sweaty discussion about Rikki's balls.


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atomicpanda
atomicpanda
Eddie Perkins
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)

Those look like jellyfish. Like, if you squint.


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limemanga
limemanga
[ LIME MANGA ]
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)

WOW!!! Thanks for the info...my sister will have to use this during her bondage sessions.

She's always scoping out new product to use on the bits of her male clients. She discovered Dr Scholls Freeze Away for warts and the clients love the fact that they suffer for hours after their session...

...for real!


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gregusa
gregusa
Greg Carter
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 07:01 pm (UTC)

Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.


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santossparky
santossparky
santossparky
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 08:06 pm (UTC)

I will never be able to look at you with a straight face again. But if I ever have a losing hand in Poker, I will use this to mask that.

Hope you are well. Tell Tavisha that my daughter is almost 2.


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stahlhelm
stahlhelm
.
Sat, Nov. 24th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)

D:


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tohoscope
tohoscope
danno!
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 12:07 am (UTC)

Ya know, this reminds me of the time we were taking pictures outside of the Giant Chicken KFC after one AWA and you were standing in the FIRE ANT NEST...


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aourai
aourai
Amber Turner (Aourai)
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 06:35 am (UTC)

Your posts have become a sort of anticipated ritual. I often read them out loud to my non-livejournal using boyfriend and he watches in awe as I attempt to read them without breaking down at some point.

Thank you. Thank you for the warning and that you for possibly the most creative description of pain ever viewed by eyes.


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rikkisimons
rikkisimons
Rikki Simons
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 08:00 am (UTC)

I am reading all of your replies with all the strength of a whimpering hobo. This is thanks to steady case of stomach flu. We have family visiting for Thanks Giving and this flu has turned this household into the research station from The Thing. I don't know who's going to pop next. I'm going to have to start tying quests down to chairs and taking blood samples.


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angel_machine
angel_machine
sarin machina
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC)

Sweet Zombie Jesus I've had to deal with that two times already this year.

Go to a doctor. Make him/her give you Phenergan. Lots of it. I always keep some on standby just in case I suddenly start projectile vomiting. You never know.

And if you can't keep pills down... GOOD NEWS! They make a suppository form! ^_^


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rohantm
rohantm
John Scharmen
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 07:22 pm (UTC)

I don't know. If it inspires me to write a paragraph that sublime and, yes, hysterical, it might be worth it. The painting is not half-bad either.


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nebris
nebris
Michael
Sun, Nov. 25th, 2007 08:22 pm (UTC)

Hi, added ya...snuck in from Mr. Ellis' blog. =)

~M~


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thatjamiegirl
thatjamiegirl
Jamie
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 03:16 am (UTC)

Also: don't wash your junk with peppermint shampoo. Just sayin'.


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mundeemo
mundeemo
Mundee Mo
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)

Also don't use Dr. Bonner's peppermint soap on your junk as well cause it's all tingly and stuff.


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mundeemo
mundeemo
Mundee Mo
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)

So, I take it from your post that Tiger Balm on the male neither regions is a bad thing. Note to self don't use tiger balm as a personal lubricant.


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luvcraft
luvcraft
luvcraft
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)

So THAT's how you did GIR's voice!


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executivegoth
executivegoth
Taliesin
Mon, Nov. 26th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)

Well I could have told you that.


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dreamliner
dreamliner
Chris Wallace
Sat, Dec. 1st, 2007 02:03 am (UTC)

Eddie Murphy - Do not put Old Spice on your penis (unless you have a sink nearby). Check.

Rikki Simons - Do not put Tiger Balm on your testicles. Check.


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